post-system clarity
2026 January 17
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rambling,
systemhood
for a lot of reasons, i don't identify as a system anymore. i've flitted recently back and forth, but ultimitaly i've come to the same conclusion each time: being a system is bad for me. i've seen myself as a system ever since i was a pre-teen. i still remember being 11 and finding out what tulpa's were and being fascinated by them. over time i had learned more about the plural community. until i was around 13, i was in the 'pro-endogenic' community. then, at 13.5 i discovered DID (dissociative identity disorder) and dove straight into the 'anti-endogenic' community. at 15, i again changed opinions and went back to the 'pro-endogenic' community. slowly, over the years, i drifted into more neutral space until i was so far away from either community i felt like i belonged nowhere.
when i was around 18/19 i had a mental health crisis, where i was formally diagnosed with UDD and then later DID by a psychologist and a psychiatrist. i was so embarrassed by what had happened and what i did during that mental health crisis that i lied to everyone i knew about why i called those emergency lines and went to those emergency psych appointments in the first place. i even lied to my now partner about it - something i still feel guilty over. this, i think was the beginning of the end of me identifying as a system. by this time i had stopped participating in most plural-related spaces altogether, barring a few exceptions. at the same time, i started HRT. slowly, i began to feel less... fragmented. early into 2023 i had finally developed a solid sense of self. even when it changed and evolved in later years, i could still feel the shape of it. i felt like a person and not just fleeting idea of one. i had a shape to me- however fuzzy and unclear it was.
like any community built around a psychological phenomenon, its bound to end up with an odd culture that alienates those who don't adhere to it strictly. the pro-endogenic community in my experience tends to be slightly worse at this; they highly stigmatize and force out anyone who sees their parts as well... not people, or anyone who wants to or has undergone final fusion. its not much better in the anti-endogenic community, but you can at least get 5 minutes to explain before someone calls you an abuser. however even if they don't see parts as separate people, per se, the anti-endogenic community sure does treat them like separate people. the overall community is fundamentally built on the premise that every part has personhood, and that you must act like it. how the overall community explained systemhood—completely separated parts with their own agency or personhood made less and less sence to me. the 'separate people' i had spent so many years with became less people and more me. i started becoming frustrated at other systems (again, both anti- and pro-), who often condemned or scolded me for starting to see my parts less and less as people. i felt like i couldn't get anyone to understand that these parts weren't separate; they never had been.
i told my therapist about this. i couldn't tell you his true feelings (although i believe they were extremely negative to both sides), but i do know he suggested the one thing that hurt the most at the time, but was ultimately right. i was trying to categorize my brain and myself into a lable that had nothing to do with what i actually am. if i continued to try and force myself into this box, to justify the space i took up inside of it to others who saw me as borderline barbaric or harming myself i was never going to actually heal and move on in my life. i had, he said, worse things to worry about and ruminate over, and this was a distraction from those more difficult things. and i thought about that a lot. it was something i had never expressed to anyone but had turned over in my head. it was deeply uncomfortable at first. i was really angry! it took me awhile to be comfortable with the question of: 'am i really a system?'
the answer i found was no.
i've been in therapy actively for about two years now for most of that time, it was a session every week. now, i have alternating appointments with a psychologist and a psychiatrist. its been about a year since i activley identifed as a system. every so often i think about how technically i belong in those spaces. and then, i remember how i was treated for trying to get better.
ive grown bitter over the overall plural community the same way you do a toxic fandom. i miss when i was in it and it was fun. i hate how toxic and anti-recovery it all feels. in the end, i don't hold any ill will or hatred for it. it just wasn't for me. i hope, in the future, both communities become more tolerant and accepting of people like me. maybe it will save someone who does like the label of 'system' a lot of grief. i don't like it though, so it's no skin off my nose.
thanks for reading :).